So, yesterday Shaun totally decided to put me in my place. I might have laughed at him if I had any sense of humor at all lately. As it were I spent an hour in bed crying and another two on the phone with my sister. For everything I know that I'm doing wrong here, I know, without a doubt in my mind, that loving her is about the only thing I've gotten right. However I might be with everyone else, whatever "bad friend" vibes, whatever... "less than whinney-ness" I go through, she comes before all else, including my unhappiness.

I was worried yesterday after some of the things Shaun said, but when I told her she laughed at me and said the sweetest thing that I have to write down to keep remembering, I know when I call you, no matter how stupid what I'm saying is, you're genuinely going to care. I know that when I don't call, even if it's just because I'm busy, you're genuinely going to worry. I know that I can count on you, no matter what you're going through. So Shaun can suck my ass.

I say all of this like I am blaming him, like I think he did something wrong. I don't really, but no one ever likes hearing the unflattering truth of themselves when they're already on a down slope. I know that I haven't been involved lately, I haven't been asking a lot of questions or worrying about other people like I should. I have been selfish in my misery, but maybe its because I am waiting for someone besides Elle to say "That sucks, and I am so sorry this is happening to you"... you know, instead of "Remember why you're there" and "Just make the best of a bad situation".

I know, that I am the Queen of telling people what they need to hear rather than what they want to hear, I know that. But there is a way to tell someone and a way not to tell someone, and I always try to be as genuinely sympathetic as possible before I tell them all about themselves.

I am also having serious issue with everything here anyway because there is a seeming band of people who want to sabotage my mother. Now I can be mean to her, in fact, I am quite often, it comes with being a whiney bitch and depressed, but the fact that other people are hurting her pisses me the fuck off. One of her aids is really making a list of things Mom does "wrong" [meaning different than how the last teacher did them] and took it to her evaluator and God knows who else- rather than talking to my mother. Now, those of you that know her, know that she is very mild mannered and, unlike her daughter, is willing to listen to constructive criticism. All this funky bitch would have had to do was talk to my mom.

I guess, I could understand being underhanded and sneaky about it, if my mom had stolen the last teachers job [because the last teacher and the funky bitch were friends], but Mom didn't. The last teacher RETIRED, she didn't want to BE THERE anymore. There is no reason to be a complete and total cunt about this shit, and it really makes me angry. She was so happy about being here, she loved her job and loved her kids and just felt so good.... and now... she told me last night that she just doesn't even want to be here anymore. I hate that. Me making her regret her decision a little bit was one thing, but someone just snatching all the joy she felt about doing this one little thing for herself, that is wrong. Actually, what I did was wrong too, but I've worked very hard since coming back from Idaho to make her know that my unhappiness has very little to do with her and everything to do with the fact that I don't really have anything to do.

I hate people. They're so fucking petty and small minded and hurtful. Before, I made up reasons in my head to not like them, now I'm finding out I was right all along and that makes me sad.