So, at the moment I am sitting in front of two box type fans on the highest setting wishing that I was home in my lovely, air-conditioned-DSL-internet-equipped-kitten-filled house. This trip has been absolutely exhausting. I have spent more time in the car the last four days that I have in the last four months. The down side to a lot of it has been being in my Mother's little Corsica. The air conditioner, while functioning, is only doing so at half capacity. The ride over the desert was absolutely abysmal. It was just cool enough to remind you how hot it actually was. The CD player is all screwy too, sometimes it will load other times it won't, generally when it does, it does so when you put in the CD you least want to hear. I am officially sick of the Black Eyed Peas. I didn't think that would ever happen. I am also beyond sick of Blondie and Heather Nova- though the latter has always been one of those Artists I have to be in the right sort of mood to deal with.
On the plus side the last two days we've actually used my Uncle Terry's big beautiful truck to get where we needed to go. It's totally tricked out and fully loaded. It's also roomier than the Corsica, which means that the four of us (Auntie Suzy, Ma, Charity, and I) could travel much more comfortably. That was a relief, as the ride to Plush from Auntie Sue's is about two hours, across desert.
As far as scenery goes, it's not bad; the first part is scraggy brush, scruffy trees, rocks, and sage. About the time you get a view of the tip of Hart Mountain, you get into a more "Hilly Green" sort of landscape. For the largest part of the drive however, there is sand everywhere, which reminds me of home- the ugly part of home that I hate. I am most definitely a "damp-always-green" sort of person. I hate being hot. I hate when you cant hardly breath for the stifling sun. Despite the fact I have been raised around it all of my life, I don't like it. I need to be where gray skies and the rainy drizzle reign supreme; or baring that, somewhere with central air and cell service. That's right, out here you're touch and go most of the way- and about twenty miles outside of Plush you completely lose service. The only net connection is dialup, and you have to get a dish to get even local channels.
All this would be highly amusing if it were happening only to my mother and I got to be tucked away in my own little apartment here_ However, that appears to not be the case anymore. What was originally a decision that only affected my mother this choice to pick up her life and move six hours from the place we've lived most of my life has now turned around and landed squarely in my lap. Because Kadie decided she couldn't move in with me, or rather her parents decided, I cannot afford to stay here. I also cannot afford an apartment on my own. All of this adds up to the fact unless I want to live in my car I can't stay. This then means that all of my Mother's misfortunes in Plush will now be my own.
There are some upsides I suppose, if I go with her that's about $900-1500 a month that we can put away in savings and then put towards the money I have to have upfront for Gastric bypass surgery. Now, for those of you who don't know me, who have no idea, I've struggled with my weight most of my life... well not most of my life, all of my life. I have done every diet, starved myself, binged and purged, and a million other equally unhealthy things, trying to get to a place where I could accept my body for what it was.... The problem is I was working from the outside in. I thought that if I could be thin and beautiful then I would, in turn, be deliriously happy. I would be with men who didn't abuse me, have friends that could love and stand by me no matter what, I would glitter and shine and life would be perfect. If we really want to be honest about it, I thought being thin would make my Daddy love me more. I've finally figured out though, that it isn't about all that. I've gotten to the point that it is much more about being healthy than being thin and at this point... the bypass is like any other tool with the single exception of it being a tool one cannot escape. Its like the treadmill you can't turn into a coat hanger.
That mini-rant aside, the other bonus to going with mother and having it done is that I won't have to answer all of the stupid questions. There are people that I want to know, there are people that I feel need to know, and the rest of the world can fuck itself. It is not with shame that I say this, because I feel that shame is not something that should ever have to be connected to someone doing what is best for them, it is more... about not wanting to deal with idiots. I have finally learned that you cannot educate everyone. Those who want to know, whose lives you can help or change, who want to see the light down this path, they will find their way to me. The rest of the world is still very bigoted, not only in judgment of this surgery but of the overweight in general. We have become so obsessed with being thin and "it" that we've lost sight of what should truly matter in life. Of course there are those people who would say I'm a hypocrite because I fully intend, after I've hit my goal weight, to have breast augmentation as well. To them I say the same thing I've said to the people who love me most, "I've given up cutting, cigarettes, booze and soon food. The least I should get out of that trade off is a decent rack." So there.
Anyway, the kidlets here want to play, I am sure I'll update again in a few days with more trip information and quite possibly pictures! God knows we took enough up there. I just have to get them developed.
Much Love
--Sara
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
A Real Entry At Long Last
Perhaps we should start with something happy? Lessee.... Oh, I got a B- in Math. I would have had an A, but surprise, surprise, the questions I missed on the final were the questions he didn't really go over. Whatever, a B is a B is a B. That means by this time next year I should be completely done with my AA, and a quarter done with my BA. I got A's in all the rest of my classes, which brought my GPA back up to a 3.5, which makes me happy because I was feeling like a real dummy after the whole Winter Term fiasco. With all of that out of the way, I should be able to start my Duel enrollment in the fall, and hammer out my actually curriculum program by Winter. I'll be doing the majority of my EOU stuff online, though there are a couple classes I'll take on campus, like the 311 with Gill, which is in depth study of Grammar and the "finer points" of writing I see as completely frivolous.
Speaking of Professor G, I don't exactly know how I feel about him. Our relationship has progressed to this strange level that I am not sure I'm completely comfortable with. It was one thing to be his favorite, it's another when he starts making Emily Dickinson cracks because I happen to be very Anti-Male this last term. While he does not know about the whole batting for both teams issue, it's a little awkward. He also would make... pointless comments about my attitude problem- which frankly I don't think I have. Yes, I am sarcastic, yes I am outspoken. I am also right most of the time and when I'm not, I'm willing to listen to the other side of it. I know this denotes his comfort level with me, and in a way it makes me feel good that he's so invested in who I become, but there are times that it feels like it's just one more person I will let down- which is not the way any Professor should make you feel. At least I don't think so. I dunno. His class this last quarter sucked. We did crappy books, and crappy assignments, and I really felt like he just wasn't present for the class, then again maybe that was just my perspective because I've read every single freaking book we had to do, and I read them when I was like 14. There was nothing challenging about being there. However, I am officially done and can now work more heavily on things that interest me.
Like moving my mother six hours away. That's right everyone, yea you know, the whole two people that read this shit, she got the job. I am scared shitless. I mean I knew she was going to get it, I knew when she came home and they had already called Kip for her reference that the job was hers. Not only is it hers, but it was a unanimous decision. So now, by the end of July/middle of August, I not only have to pack up this house and get it ready to go on the market, but I have to find another place to live, a roommate, help her set up house in Plush- including her classroom, and somewhere in there get another meeting in with A.L. to work on my EOU stuff. Right now I am taking things sort of slow because, deep down, I am really freaking out. Like the other day after Mom left to go work on her Masters program stuff, yea I cried for like two hours. Its not that I don't want her to go, its that everything is so overwhelming. Anyway, other than that, I haven't expressed much emotion about it. I try to be supportive because I know she needs this, I try to keep my panic at a low, and just try to get through each day as it comes. Note the word try on the last one.
Things in my life never seem to happen gradually. Has anyone else ever noticed that? Its like I plug along for awhile, everything is semi-right, mostly healthy, and then BAM everything is changing and I can't quite get my head around it. That is what this last month has sort of been like. I have so much to say, so many new thoughts, and yet I don't really want to share them. I have become increasingly aware of the death of my former "Emo-Sara-Cares-A-Lot" self, in small and large ways. I had not fully anticipated this drastic personality change, and yet I think I've been looking at it for the last six months. It's not really drastic at all then is it? I think the thing that is drastic is that I've fully let go of the notion that I care, because I don't. At this point in my life, in my experience, the only thing giving people the benefit of the doubt has gotten me is kicked in the ass. The only people that I have ever let totally close to me, let them see every side of the good bad and ugliness that is me, there is one who has unconditionally accepted that- and even she and I have our ups and downs.
I occurred to me the other night that I haven't been the same, really the same, since D. blatantly rejected me. I mean I had already started dealing with some issues after the whole Shaun debacle (notice how in my life events are called Fiascos and Debacles? Yea depressing thought, andway), I mean he and I are still close but I think that's when the shift from Emo-Sara started. Suddenly I was so scared of being drained dry that I would lash out first. I became that emotional vacuum because I couldn't live though another incident like Clare. I couldn't be someone elses whipping girl, though in a lot of ways I still took too much shit from too many people... but when D out and out rejected me, told me I was a bad person... that I was the reason she felt... whatever it was she was feeling... that last little piece of me died. That idea of "comfortably numb" set in, and unless it's anger or irritation I don't feel it anymore. I lock it away because right now anger and irritation are the only things that are safe to feel. They are the only things that won't completely destroy me. I don't do the mushy-girl friendships. I don't have deep heart to hearts. I am sarcastic and scathing, and frankly, I don't care. I have made it very clear to most people in my life that they speak to me at their own risk. If you want to poke a Black Bear and act like a bunch of Fucktards, that's your issue, I will respond accordingly.
On more than one occasion this attitude has made Bryan cry. When he tries to tell me it's my fault and I'm a bad person I laugh. I don't think this makes me a bad person, but I think.... the last time he threatened to kill himself and I offered to buy him a rope... that might make me a bad person. However, since he was blaming me for him wanting to commit suicide I figured I might as well have a literal hand in doing it- mostly because I knew he's too pussified to take his own life. I also told him, and several other people that if I wanted a pussy in my life I'd be dating a girl. He didn't think that was funny. I, however, am going to have a shirt made. I also want a bumpersticker that says "Did you just take a fucktard pill?"
I really have little tolerance for Drama related ranting, which is what Bryan does mostly. I mean all he ever does it try to tell me how I have so completely broken him. Which, I don't really understand because a] he's the one stalking me by phone, and b] he's the one who completely broke my heart when I was 16/17 and fucked me up so bad that I don't know if I'll ever have a normal relationship with anyone. I mean, I know that every relationship I've had has done that, but Bryan was right after Jason, in that period of time when I was so desperate for validation and someone to love me that I was willing to put up with anything- I mean anything. He was an adult, he was like 21, and he took advantage of that. I was still a little girl in more ways than one, despite everything that I had been through. He played off my need to be loved, to be needed, he used it for his own benefit. So... I don't really feel bad if I"ve "broken" him this go around. I look at it like I'm getting a bit of my own back finally. Twisted and fucked up logic though it may be, he's the one that continues to call and insists on telling me things about his life like I give two shits.
I think there are about four people that this logic doesn't carry over with. I still <3 Nate, and am actually quite worried about my Folk-Rock Luvr. He's been drinking a lot and then the other night had this whole drunken confession of just how low he's been lately. Its different than when Bryan tells me, with Nate... its not like he's trying to punish me. Its like I asked one question that triggered this lengthy two hour conversation about death and suffering and him not recording for months at a time. I have no answers, but I still love him.. not in like a romantic way, but in the way that we know and understand one another.
The other person that I am loving with my whole heart right now is Jay-Jay. We go through these moments, where everything works and we fit and I adore her. She doesn't balk at my bitch-tendencies, she thinks they're funny. She doesn't get offended when I'm snarky, doesn't cry when I say something needlessly mean- actually sometimes I think we try to out mean one another. It's lots of fun.
With most other people I don't say a whole hell of a lot of anything. I got tired of being talked down to because I'm only 21, or talked down to because I'm 21 and living at home, or in general, just being talked down to. See, there is a point when you just snap. It's also nearly impossible to listen to anyone who talks in net speak. I know that I say thinks like "I dunno" but I never, ever, do stupid shit like idk. "idkâ" is not a word people. And while I might engage in the occasional lol or lmao, I never add a "z" or "s" to either one- and most of the time I actually say "hehe". Net speak is just irritating to me. Which is the other reason I don't like talking to Bryan, at least online. He's not the brightest bulb in the box, which was cool when I was sixteen because we were at the same level, but now I'm older, I've grown up. I have adult interest, and he's an idiot. Seriously, it's painful sometimes because he still acts like he's seventeen.
Alas I've gotten off topic and forgotten what this all was about anyway, it's also gone on for nearly two full pages in Word (at size 10 font). I believe that means I need to end it and get back to work on cleaning out Grandma's closet. I don't know when Ill update again but not many of you read this anyway.
Much luv
--Sara
OH! PS. Check out these lush ladies: Regina Spektor, Jenny Owen Youngs, Chelsea Genzano, and the divine Bess Rogers
Speaking of Professor G, I don't exactly know how I feel about him. Our relationship has progressed to this strange level that I am not sure I'm completely comfortable with. It was one thing to be his favorite, it's another when he starts making Emily Dickinson cracks because I happen to be very Anti-Male this last term. While he does not know about the whole batting for both teams issue, it's a little awkward. He also would make... pointless comments about my attitude problem- which frankly I don't think I have. Yes, I am sarcastic, yes I am outspoken. I am also right most of the time and when I'm not, I'm willing to listen to the other side of it. I know this denotes his comfort level with me, and in a way it makes me feel good that he's so invested in who I become, but there are times that it feels like it's just one more person I will let down- which is not the way any Professor should make you feel. At least I don't think so. I dunno. His class this last quarter sucked. We did crappy books, and crappy assignments, and I really felt like he just wasn't present for the class, then again maybe that was just my perspective because I've read every single freaking book we had to do, and I read them when I was like 14. There was nothing challenging about being there. However, I am officially done and can now work more heavily on things that interest me.
Like moving my mother six hours away. That's right everyone, yea you know, the whole two people that read this shit, she got the job. I am scared shitless. I mean I knew she was going to get it, I knew when she came home and they had already called Kip for her reference that the job was hers. Not only is it hers, but it was a unanimous decision. So now, by the end of July/middle of August, I not only have to pack up this house and get it ready to go on the market, but I have to find another place to live, a roommate, help her set up house in Plush- including her classroom, and somewhere in there get another meeting in with A.L. to work on my EOU stuff. Right now I am taking things sort of slow because, deep down, I am really freaking out. Like the other day after Mom left to go work on her Masters program stuff, yea I cried for like two hours. Its not that I don't want her to go, its that everything is so overwhelming. Anyway, other than that, I haven't expressed much emotion about it. I try to be supportive because I know she needs this, I try to keep my panic at a low, and just try to get through each day as it comes. Note the word try on the last one.
Things in my life never seem to happen gradually. Has anyone else ever noticed that? Its like I plug along for awhile, everything is semi-right, mostly healthy, and then BAM everything is changing and I can't quite get my head around it. That is what this last month has sort of been like. I have so much to say, so many new thoughts, and yet I don't really want to share them. I have become increasingly aware of the death of my former "Emo-Sara-Cares-A-Lot" self, in small and large ways. I had not fully anticipated this drastic personality change, and yet I think I've been looking at it for the last six months. It's not really drastic at all then is it? I think the thing that is drastic is that I've fully let go of the notion that I care, because I don't. At this point in my life, in my experience, the only thing giving people the benefit of the doubt has gotten me is kicked in the ass. The only people that I have ever let totally close to me, let them see every side of the good bad and ugliness that is me, there is one who has unconditionally accepted that- and even she and I have our ups and downs.
I occurred to me the other night that I haven't been the same, really the same, since D. blatantly rejected me. I mean I had already started dealing with some issues after the whole Shaun debacle (notice how in my life events are called Fiascos and Debacles? Yea depressing thought, andway), I mean he and I are still close but I think that's when the shift from Emo-Sara started. Suddenly I was so scared of being drained dry that I would lash out first. I became that emotional vacuum because I couldn't live though another incident like Clare. I couldn't be someone elses whipping girl, though in a lot of ways I still took too much shit from too many people... but when D out and out rejected me, told me I was a bad person... that I was the reason she felt... whatever it was she was feeling... that last little piece of me died. That idea of "comfortably numb" set in, and unless it's anger or irritation I don't feel it anymore. I lock it away because right now anger and irritation are the only things that are safe to feel. They are the only things that won't completely destroy me. I don't do the mushy-girl friendships. I don't have deep heart to hearts. I am sarcastic and scathing, and frankly, I don't care. I have made it very clear to most people in my life that they speak to me at their own risk. If you want to poke a Black Bear and act like a bunch of Fucktards, that's your issue, I will respond accordingly.
On more than one occasion this attitude has made Bryan cry. When he tries to tell me it's my fault and I'm a bad person I laugh. I don't think this makes me a bad person, but I think.... the last time he threatened to kill himself and I offered to buy him a rope... that might make me a bad person. However, since he was blaming me for him wanting to commit suicide I figured I might as well have a literal hand in doing it- mostly because I knew he's too pussified to take his own life. I also told him, and several other people that if I wanted a pussy in my life I'd be dating a girl. He didn't think that was funny. I, however, am going to have a shirt made. I also want a bumpersticker that says "Did you just take a fucktard pill?"
I really have little tolerance for Drama related ranting, which is what Bryan does mostly. I mean all he ever does it try to tell me how I have so completely broken him. Which, I don't really understand because a] he's the one stalking me by phone, and b] he's the one who completely broke my heart when I was 16/17 and fucked me up so bad that I don't know if I'll ever have a normal relationship with anyone. I mean, I know that every relationship I've had has done that, but Bryan was right after Jason, in that period of time when I was so desperate for validation and someone to love me that I was willing to put up with anything- I mean anything. He was an adult, he was like 21, and he took advantage of that. I was still a little girl in more ways than one, despite everything that I had been through. He played off my need to be loved, to be needed, he used it for his own benefit. So... I don't really feel bad if I"ve "broken" him this go around. I look at it like I'm getting a bit of my own back finally. Twisted and fucked up logic though it may be, he's the one that continues to call and insists on telling me things about his life like I give two shits.
I think there are about four people that this logic doesn't carry over with. I still <3 Nate, and am actually quite worried about my Folk-Rock Luvr. He's been drinking a lot and then the other night had this whole drunken confession of just how low he's been lately. Its different than when Bryan tells me, with Nate... its not like he's trying to punish me. Its like I asked one question that triggered this lengthy two hour conversation about death and suffering and him not recording for months at a time. I have no answers, but I still love him.. not in like a romantic way, but in the way that we know and understand one another.
The other person that I am loving with my whole heart right now is Jay-Jay. We go through these moments, where everything works and we fit and I adore her. She doesn't balk at my bitch-tendencies, she thinks they're funny. She doesn't get offended when I'm snarky, doesn't cry when I say something needlessly mean- actually sometimes I think we try to out mean one another. It's lots of fun.
With most other people I don't say a whole hell of a lot of anything. I got tired of being talked down to because I'm only 21, or talked down to because I'm 21 and living at home, or in general, just being talked down to. See, there is a point when you just snap. It's also nearly impossible to listen to anyone who talks in net speak. I know that I say thinks like "I dunno" but I never, ever, do stupid shit like idk. "idkâ" is not a word people. And while I might engage in the occasional lol or lmao, I never add a "z" or "s" to either one- and most of the time I actually say "hehe". Net speak is just irritating to me. Which is the other reason I don't like talking to Bryan, at least online. He's not the brightest bulb in the box, which was cool when I was sixteen because we were at the same level, but now I'm older, I've grown up. I have adult interest, and he's an idiot. Seriously, it's painful sometimes because he still acts like he's seventeen.
Alas I've gotten off topic and forgotten what this all was about anyway, it's also gone on for nearly two full pages in Word (at size 10 font). I believe that means I need to end it and get back to work on cleaning out Grandma's closet. I don't know when Ill update again but not many of you read this anyway.
Much luv
--Sara
OH! PS. Check out these lush ladies: Regina Spektor, Jenny Owen Youngs, Chelsea Genzano, and the divine Bess Rogers
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Queen of the MeMes :: Fives Edtion
Ten years ago: I was still a little girl.
Five years ago: I was with Bryan, then Jay, then Clare.... let me rephrase-
Five years ago: I was an emotional whore.
One year ago: I was .still heartbroken over Shaun
Five yummy things:
Hershey S'mores mini candy bars
Rainy days spent in bed away from idiots
Liam Neeson
Rice A Roni
White Chocolate Lattes from Joltz n J
Five Songs I know by heart:
Taking Over - Chelsea Genzano
Not Ready To Make Nice - Dixie Chicks
Cruel To Be Kind - Letters to Cleo
Soul Suckers - Amos Lee
Fidelity - Regina Spektor
Five things I would do with a lot of money:
Pay off all school debt
Retire to the coast and write a book
Buy a whole new body
Visit Stratford on Avon
Pay to have my mother shipped to Ethiopia
Five Places I would escape to:
Dublin
New York
Venice
Switzerland
The Virgin Islands
Five Things I would never wear:
Hot pants
Cheap plastic shoes that aren't flip flops
Hammer Pants
PLUMBER JEANS with THONG STRAPS showing.
Anything Paris Hilton wore first.
Five favorite tv shows:
Law and Order SVU
Crossing Jordan
CSI
That 70’s Show
The Book of Daniel
Five things I enjoy doing:
Watching Faith, Hope, and Grace.
Shopping
Reading
Sprawling out on the riverbank listening to Amos Lee
Sleeping
Five Fave Toys:
Napster
PSP 8
Portable DVD Player
DVD Burner
Happy Bunny Plushe
Five years ago: I was with Bryan, then Jay, then Clare.... let me rephrase-
Five years ago: I was an emotional whore.
One year ago: I was .still heartbroken over Shaun
Five yummy things:
Hershey S'mores mini candy bars
Rainy days spent in bed away from idiots
Liam Neeson
Rice A Roni
White Chocolate Lattes from Joltz n J
Five Songs I know by heart:
Taking Over - Chelsea Genzano
Not Ready To Make Nice - Dixie Chicks
Cruel To Be Kind - Letters to Cleo
Soul Suckers - Amos Lee
Fidelity - Regina Spektor
Five things I would do with a lot of money:
Pay off all school debt
Retire to the coast and write a book
Buy a whole new body
Visit Stratford on Avon
Pay to have my mother shipped to Ethiopia
Five Places I would escape to:
Dublin
New York
Venice
Switzerland
The Virgin Islands
Five Things I would never wear:
Hot pants
Cheap plastic shoes that aren't flip flops
Hammer Pants
PLUMBER JEANS with THONG STRAPS showing.
Anything Paris Hilton wore first.
Five favorite tv shows:
Law and Order SVU
Crossing Jordan
CSI
That 70’s Show
The Book of Daniel
Five things I enjoy doing:
Watching Faith, Hope, and Grace.
Shopping
Reading
Sprawling out on the riverbank listening to Amos Lee
Sleeping
Five Fave Toys:
Napster
PSP 8
Portable DVD Player
DVD Burner
Happy Bunny Plushe
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Queen of the MeMes :: 1oo Random Things Edition
1oo Random Things About Mio
1oo. I was born in February of 1985
o99. My mother never lets me forget she went through thirty-six hours of hellish labor.
o98. I never let her forget she made the next twenty years intolerable.
o97. I love anything Pink
o96. I love anything that sparkles
o95. I go spastic over things that are Pink AND Sparkle
o94. I will never be "thin" and people who are annoy me
o93. I validate myself through my grades
o92. I will never think I am as pretty, talented, or smart as my cousins
o91. I'm only happy when it rains. .
o9o. I like life complicated.
o89. I have been too hurt to ever try to fix anyone ever again
o88. While I have a group of close knit friends, the person I conceder to be my best friend lives on the other side of the country.
o87. I Blue Collar Comedy.
o86. I want to marry Kenneth Branagh.
o85. I'd settle for an intellectual marriage to a certain someone who shall remain nameless.
o84. I am an Indie Movie Snob.
o83. I have the attention span of a Nat unless its something I find terribly interesting,
o82. I fear being average.
o81. No matter what anyone says I still don't think I'm smart enough to get into Reed or Southern.
o8o. I hate Math.
o79. Science is equally evil.
o78. I am only on speaking terms with one of my exes- and its ironic because she's one of my closest friends.
o77. I didn't pass my driving test the first time.
o76. I hate being behind the wheel.
o75. I want to see the world before I'm too old to enjoy it.
o74. I love too hard.
o73. I expect too much.
o72. I live for jewelry in silver.
o71. I am shallow in a lot of ways.
o7o. I would give my soul for a pair of Manolos.
o69. I would give the soul of my first child if I could fit into "skinny jeans".
o68. I am not above making deals with the devil.
o67. I used to be an altruistic hippy.
o66. I take, on average, two showers a day.
o65. Most of my underwear is pink and/or lacey.
o63. I am a hopeless romantic.
o62. Who doesn't believe in love.
o61. I hate sunlight.
o6o. I am a total night person.
o59. I have a horrible temper
o58. I hold a long grudge.
o57. I still have all of my dollies.
o56. I would rather have coffee than food
o55. I don't like most red meat
o54. I love History.
o53. I watch documentaries on ancient civilizations for fun.
o52. I have actually read The Art of War.
o51. But I couldn't finish Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
o5o. I am intimidated by people smarter than me.
o49. I am the Comma Princess (Ari is the Queen)
o48. I have dreams of being published.
o47. I stand in my own way.
o46. I love dogs.
o45. I don’t feel worthy of the love I am given by people I perceive to be “better” than I am.
o44. I don't actually like soda.
o43. I drink out of force of habit.
o42. I could gladly spend all my money on White Chocolate Lattes.
o41. I would love to spend the rest of my life discussing literature.
o4o. I used to think Goths were hot.
o39. I now think on a whole they're self absorbed and annoying.
o38. I have no tolerance for inconsiderate people.
o37. I am too hard on myself.
o36. I am too hard on others when they don't act the way I think they should.
o35. I have never been out of the country.
o34. I have only ever been marginally out of the state.
o33. I love Family Guy
o32. I watch the Simpsons and That 70’s Show almost every night.
o31. I hated Friends when it was on the air, but love it in reruns.
o3o. I want to be Marilyn Monroe.
o29. I hate Ana Nicole Smith.
o28. I believe Harry Potter is better than Shakespeare.
o27. I actually don't love Shakespeare as much as everyone thinks.
o26. I just happen to be really good at it.
o25. I have never used the word "I" so many times in my life.
o24. I want to live in Ireland.
o23. I will live in New York.
o22. I don't want kids.
o21. I like having my own life.
o2o. I no longer desire to be in committed relationships
o19. I don’t know if a certain someone fell in love with me back that I could say no.
o18. I live in dreaded anticipation for summer.
o17. I am jealous of those with innocence and blind faith.
o16. I am jealous of those who understand the importance proper punctuation.
o15. I can't be bothered with proper punctuation.
o14. If I were a Stripper my stage name would be Lola St. Clair
o13. I have completely let go of the biggest crutch in my life (Clare)
o12. I have no faith.
o11. I shop too much.
o1o. It's easier for me to love the flaws of others than accept my own.
oo9. I think sometimes I’m almost Buddhist, but know I am still too angry and materialistic.
oo8. If I had been a Grecian Woman, I would have worshiped the furies.
oo7. I see things as very black and white, but have little tolerance for others that disagree.
oo6. I have not yet realized my own worth.
oo5. I'm working on it.
oo4. I love my mother even though it doesn't always sound like it.
oo3. The strongest women in my lives all have high school educations.
oo2. I believe in love, but am too Jaded to accept it.
oo1. I miss dressing up as a fairy princess.
1oo. I was born in February of 1985
o99. My mother never lets me forget she went through thirty-six hours of hellish labor.
o98. I never let her forget she made the next twenty years intolerable.
o97. I love anything Pink
o96. I love anything that sparkles
o95. I go spastic over things that are Pink AND Sparkle
o94. I will never be "thin" and people who are annoy me
o93. I validate myself through my grades
o92. I will never think I am as pretty, talented, or smart as my cousins
o91. I'm only happy when it rains. .
o9o. I like life complicated.
o89. I have been too hurt to ever try to fix anyone ever again
o88. While I have a group of close knit friends, the person I conceder to be my best friend lives on the other side of the country.
o87. I Blue Collar Comedy.
o86. I want to marry Kenneth Branagh.
o85. I'd settle for an intellectual marriage to a certain someone who shall remain nameless.
o84. I am an Indie Movie Snob.
o83. I have the attention span of a Nat unless its something I find terribly interesting,
o82. I fear being average.
o81. No matter what anyone says I still don't think I'm smart enough to get into Reed or Southern.
o8o. I hate Math.
o79. Science is equally evil.
o78. I am only on speaking terms with one of my exes- and its ironic because she's one of my closest friends.
o77. I didn't pass my driving test the first time.
o76. I hate being behind the wheel.
o75. I want to see the world before I'm too old to enjoy it.
o74. I love too hard.
o73. I expect too much.
o72. I live for jewelry in silver.
o71. I am shallow in a lot of ways.
o7o. I would give my soul for a pair of Manolos.
o69. I would give the soul of my first child if I could fit into "skinny jeans".
o68. I am not above making deals with the devil.
o67. I used to be an altruistic hippy.
o66. I take, on average, two showers a day.
o65. Most of my underwear is pink and/or lacey.
o63. I am a hopeless romantic.
o62. Who doesn't believe in love.
o61. I hate sunlight.
o6o. I am a total night person.
o59. I have a horrible temper
o58. I hold a long grudge.
o57. I still have all of my dollies.
o56. I would rather have coffee than food
o55. I don't like most red meat
o54. I love History.
o53. I watch documentaries on ancient civilizations for fun.
o52. I have actually read The Art of War.
o51. But I couldn't finish Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
o5o. I am intimidated by people smarter than me.
o49. I am the Comma Princess (Ari is the Queen)
o48. I have dreams of being published.
o47. I stand in my own way.
o46. I love dogs.
o45. I don’t feel worthy of the love I am given by people I perceive to be “better” than I am.
o44. I don't actually like soda.
o43. I drink out of force of habit.
o42. I could gladly spend all my money on White Chocolate Lattes.
o41. I would love to spend the rest of my life discussing literature.
o4o. I used to think Goths were hot.
o39. I now think on a whole they're self absorbed and annoying.
o38. I have no tolerance for inconsiderate people.
o37. I am too hard on myself.
o36. I am too hard on others when they don't act the way I think they should.
o35. I have never been out of the country.
o34. I have only ever been marginally out of the state.
o33. I love Family Guy
o32. I watch the Simpsons and That 70’s Show almost every night.
o31. I hated Friends when it was on the air, but love it in reruns.
o3o. I want to be Marilyn Monroe.
o29. I hate Ana Nicole Smith.
o28. I believe Harry Potter is better than Shakespeare.
o27. I actually don't love Shakespeare as much as everyone thinks.
o26. I just happen to be really good at it.
o25. I have never used the word "I" so many times in my life.
o24. I want to live in Ireland.
o23. I will live in New York.
o22. I don't want kids.
o21. I like having my own life.
o2o. I no longer desire to be in committed relationships
o19. I don’t know if a certain someone fell in love with me back that I could say no.
o18. I live in dreaded anticipation for summer.
o17. I am jealous of those with innocence and blind faith.
o16. I am jealous of those who understand the importance proper punctuation.
o15. I can't be bothered with proper punctuation.
o14. If I were a Stripper my stage name would be Lola St. Clair
o13. I have completely let go of the biggest crutch in my life (Clare)
o12. I have no faith.
o11. I shop too much.
o1o. It's easier for me to love the flaws of others than accept my own.
oo9. I think sometimes I’m almost Buddhist, but know I am still too angry and materialistic.
oo8. If I had been a Grecian Woman, I would have worshiped the furies.
oo7. I see things as very black and white, but have little tolerance for others that disagree.
oo6. I have not yet realized my own worth.
oo5. I'm working on it.
oo4. I love my mother even though it doesn't always sound like it.
oo3. The strongest women in my lives all have high school educations.
oo2. I believe in love, but am too Jaded to accept it.
oo1. I miss dressing up as a fairy princess.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Quenn of the MeMes :: Count Down Edition
13 RANDOM THINGS YOU LIKE:
01] Folk Love
02] Good Writing
03] Marilyn Monroe
04] Purses
05] Earrings
06] Dancing
07] Laffy Taffy
08] AIM
09] Nate
10] Blogger
11] Flip Flops
12] Myspace
13] Pretty Layouts
12 RANDOM THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE:
01] Liars
02] Posers
03] Drama Queens
04] Lapses into former personalities
05] People who ask for stuff and don’t follow through
06] Waiting
07] Bed Bath and Beyond
08] Flip flops that don’t fit
09] Grown ass men who act like five year olds
10] Annoying boys
11] Drunks
12] Idiots
11 Musicans:
01] Nate Wazoo
02] Jack Johnson
03] The Faders
04] Joss Stone
05] Bess Rogers
06] Janis Joplin
07] Chelsea Genzano
08] Lennon Murphy
09] Tori Amos
10] No Doubt
11] Letters to Cleo
10 THINGS PHYSICALLY:
01] Recently waxed eyebrows
02] Sinus ickyness
03] Cough
04] Scars
05] Tall
06] Chubby
07] Shoulder length Hair
08] Blue/Green eyes
09] Ponytail
10] Bangs
9 FRIENDS: [in no order]
01] Nate
02] Jay
03] Foxy
04] Patti
05] Erin
06] Kadie
07] Lesley
08] Dawnelle
09] Cordy-Lee
8 FOODS:
01] Blended Milky Way Latte
02] White Chocolate Latte
03] Ben and Jerry's Dublin Fudge Icecream
04] Fried Rice
05] Sun Chips
06] Dr. Pepper's Berry and Cream
07] Cherries
08] Hashbrowns
7 THINGS WORN DAILY:
01] Big Hoop Earrings
02] Pretty bra
03] Split Slip
04] Flip flops/Slip ons (I own no real shoes anymore)
05] Slacks/Skirt
06] Charm bracelet
07] Cami
6 ANNOYANCES:
01] Grown men who act like five year olds
02] Colds
03] Sinuses
04] Dumbasses
05] Waiting
06] Waking up @ 6
5 THINGS TOUCHED DAILY:
01] Mouse
02] Keyboard
03] Monkey Walet
04] Jewelry
05] Cds
4 FAVORITE PLACES TO BE:
01] In bed
02] Catherine's
03] The mall
04] Coffee Shop
3 CELEB CRUSHES:
01] Hugh Grant
02] Colin Firth
03] Liam Neeson
2 ESSENTIALS:
01] Monkey Walet
02] Earrings
1 WISH:
01] To already be moved
01] Folk Love
02] Good Writing
03] Marilyn Monroe
04] Purses
05] Earrings
06] Dancing
07] Laffy Taffy
08] AIM
09] Nate
10] Blogger
11] Flip Flops
12] Myspace
13] Pretty Layouts
12 RANDOM THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE:
01] Liars
02] Posers
03] Drama Queens
04] Lapses into former personalities
05] People who ask for stuff and don’t follow through
06] Waiting
07] Bed Bath and Beyond
08] Flip flops that don’t fit
09] Grown ass men who act like five year olds
10] Annoying boys
11] Drunks
12] Idiots
11 Musicans:
01] Nate Wazoo
02] Jack Johnson
03] The Faders
04] Joss Stone
05] Bess Rogers
06] Janis Joplin
07] Chelsea Genzano
08] Lennon Murphy
09] Tori Amos
10] No Doubt
11] Letters to Cleo
10 THINGS PHYSICALLY:
01] Recently waxed eyebrows
02] Sinus ickyness
03] Cough
04] Scars
05] Tall
06] Chubby
07] Shoulder length Hair
08] Blue/Green eyes
09] Ponytail
10] Bangs
9 FRIENDS: [in no order]
01] Nate
02] Jay
03] Foxy
04] Patti
05] Erin
06] Kadie
07] Lesley
08] Dawnelle
09] Cordy-Lee
8 FOODS:
01] Blended Milky Way Latte
02] White Chocolate Latte
03] Ben and Jerry's Dublin Fudge Icecream
04] Fried Rice
05] Sun Chips
06] Dr. Pepper's Berry and Cream
07] Cherries
08] Hashbrowns
7 THINGS WORN DAILY:
01] Big Hoop Earrings
02] Pretty bra
03] Split Slip
04] Flip flops/Slip ons (I own no real shoes anymore)
05] Slacks/Skirt
06] Charm bracelet
07] Cami
6 ANNOYANCES:
01] Grown men who act like five year olds
02] Colds
03] Sinuses
04] Dumbasses
05] Waiting
06] Waking up @ 6
5 THINGS TOUCHED DAILY:
01] Mouse
02] Keyboard
03] Monkey Walet
04] Jewelry
05] Cds
4 FAVORITE PLACES TO BE:
01] In bed
02] Catherine's
03] The mall
04] Coffee Shop
3 CELEB CRUSHES:
01] Hugh Grant
02] Colin Firth
03] Liam Neeson
2 ESSENTIALS:
01] Monkey Walet
02] Earrings
1 WISH:
01] To already be moved
Friday, June 02, 2006
Queen of the MeMes :: Color Edition
RED- anger:
1. Are you currently mad at someone?
Yea, a couple people actually.
2. Which of your "friends" has the worst temper?
Erin
3. Have you ever thrown something at anyone?
Shoo’ girl. I’m the Queen of Naomi Campbell like flip outs.
4. Does your face turn red when you're angry?
Actually, it depends. If I’m like scary angry, the angry where I say nothing and just sort of seethe, then I turn white.
5. When you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell and scream?
Again, it depends on who it is. I have this habit of lashing back in the most hurtful way possible when someone makes me angry- sometimes that means screaming every bad thing I can pick up on from them and some times the most hateful thing you can do is ignore someone.
ORANGE- excitment:
1. Has anyone ever thrown you a suprise party?
Nope. No one luffs me.
2. Are you easily excited?
About some things.
3. What event is coming up that your most excited about?
Hmm, nothing at the moment. I suppose maybe going to see The Devil Wears Prada with Kadie on her next day off?
4. Which of your friends is most exciteable?
Kadie
5. If you won a million dollars what would be your first thought?
Kiss my ASS student loans
6. If you could have anything right now what would it be?
A Million dollars DUH
YELLOW- self discovery:
1. Name?
Sara Jane
2. Where were you born?
Boise Idaho
3.Whats your main goal in life?
To be healthy and happy. Barring that, filthy fucking rich off my writing.
4. Do you want to have children?
Hell to the No.
5. How do you want to die?
In my sleep, after amazing sex with my pool boy Edwardo- or the cute little maid Elisa
GREEN- opinions:
1. Sex before marriage?
Only good sex. In my book until her first orgasm, a woman is a virgin.
2. Gay Marriage?
Ooo when and where?
3. Lowering the drinking age?
Shoot. Wouldn’t change a damn thing ‘cept cut into the money the state collects on MIP fines.
4. Capital Punishment?
Nuke ‘um
5. Abortion?
It will never be alright for a man to tell me what I can and can’t do with my body. However, crack whores who use it like birth control should be sterilized.
6. Recycling?
Well I’m too lazy, but if I wasn’t hell yea.
BLUE- dreams:
1. What was your latest dream?
Actually, it was a nightmare about this move. I woke up crying. I'm lame.
2. Which of your friends do you dream about the most?
Ummm.... None of them. I have to see them everyday. Why would I want to see them in my sleep.
3. Have any of your dreams come true?
I had this weird dream about an ex and my best friend having sex, and like my disowning them both for a brief period of time that actually came to pass about a month after my dream.
4. Do you usually remember your dreams?
I remember parts. I sleep to hard, think too much, most of it gets lost.
5. What was the weirdest dream you've ever had?
Uh, the one the other night, the SVU one. It was crazy weird.
PURPLE- love:
1. Do you have a bf/gf?
No, thank God.
2. Do you have a crush?
I plead the very fith
3. Who is the best hugger that you know?
I think probably Montana or Jacob.
4. Do you believe in Love at first sight?
No, not anymore. I believe in lust at first sight though..
5. Have you ever been in love?
I don’t even know what the hell you would call it honestly. I thought it was love at the time, I was stupid though. Real stupid.
1. Are you currently mad at someone?
Yea, a couple people actually.
2. Which of your "friends" has the worst temper?
Erin
3. Have you ever thrown something at anyone?
Shoo’ girl. I’m the Queen of Naomi Campbell like flip outs.
4. Does your face turn red when you're angry?
Actually, it depends. If I’m like scary angry, the angry where I say nothing and just sort of seethe, then I turn white.
5. When you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell and scream?
Again, it depends on who it is. I have this habit of lashing back in the most hurtful way possible when someone makes me angry- sometimes that means screaming every bad thing I can pick up on from them and some times the most hateful thing you can do is ignore someone.
ORANGE- excitment:
1. Has anyone ever thrown you a suprise party?
Nope. No one luffs me.
2. Are you easily excited?
About some things.
3. What event is coming up that your most excited about?
Hmm, nothing at the moment. I suppose maybe going to see The Devil Wears Prada with Kadie on her next day off?
4. Which of your friends is most exciteable?
Kadie
5. If you won a million dollars what would be your first thought?
Kiss my ASS student loans
6. If you could have anything right now what would it be?
A Million dollars DUH
YELLOW- self discovery:
1. Name?
Sara Jane
2. Where were you born?
Boise Idaho
3.Whats your main goal in life?
To be healthy and happy. Barring that, filthy fucking rich off my writing.
4. Do you want to have children?
Hell to the No.
5. How do you want to die?
In my sleep, after amazing sex with my pool boy Edwardo- or the cute little maid Elisa
GREEN- opinions:
1. Sex before marriage?
Only good sex. In my book until her first orgasm, a woman is a virgin.
2. Gay Marriage?
Ooo when and where?
3. Lowering the drinking age?
Shoot. Wouldn’t change a damn thing ‘cept cut into the money the state collects on MIP fines.
4. Capital Punishment?
Nuke ‘um
5. Abortion?
It will never be alright for a man to tell me what I can and can’t do with my body. However, crack whores who use it like birth control should be sterilized.
6. Recycling?
Well I’m too lazy, but if I wasn’t hell yea.
BLUE- dreams:
1. What was your latest dream?
Actually, it was a nightmare about this move. I woke up crying. I'm lame.
2. Which of your friends do you dream about the most?
Ummm.... None of them. I have to see them everyday. Why would I want to see them in my sleep.
3. Have any of your dreams come true?
I had this weird dream about an ex and my best friend having sex, and like my disowning them both for a brief period of time that actually came to pass about a month after my dream.
4. Do you usually remember your dreams?
I remember parts. I sleep to hard, think too much, most of it gets lost.
5. What was the weirdest dream you've ever had?
Uh, the one the other night, the SVU one. It was crazy weird.
PURPLE- love:
1. Do you have a bf/gf?
No, thank God.
2. Do you have a crush?
I plead the very fith
3. Who is the best hugger that you know?
I think probably Montana or Jacob.
4. Do you believe in Love at first sight?
No, not anymore. I believe in lust at first sight though..
5. Have you ever been in love?
I don’t even know what the hell you would call it honestly. I thought it was love at the time, I was stupid though. Real stupid.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Every new beginning comes from someother beginning's end
Things in my life seem to be rapidly changing. I have gone from knowing exactly where I live and exactly how I pay my bills each month to having everything completely up in the air. I don’t quite know how to deal with everything I am facing right now- but for those of you just joining this lovely saga, I should start at the beginning.
My name is Sara, I am a twenty-one year old college student, who generally puts everyone else before herself and has battled some nasty addictions. I am currently living at home while helping my mother pack up to move six hours away. I am also wondering how I’m going to afford the mortgage since my love able, though ditzy, best friend Kadie has, once again, flaked out on me. Inherently I know I will pull through, but there are moments of panic that I can’t quite seem to get a handle on lately.
I have nothing of real importance or interest to say at the moment. I don’t quite want to write our an entire biography right this very second. In fact, until I’m completely finished with school I’ll probably post a whole lot of MeMes and bullshit. My brain is broken mmmmyep.
My name is Sara, I am a twenty-one year old college student, who generally puts everyone else before herself and has battled some nasty addictions. I am currently living at home while helping my mother pack up to move six hours away. I am also wondering how I’m going to afford the mortgage since my love able, though ditzy, best friend Kadie has, once again, flaked out on me. Inherently I know I will pull through, but there are moments of panic that I can’t quite seem to get a handle on lately.
I have nothing of real importance or interest to say at the moment. I don’t quite want to write our an entire biography right this very second. In fact, until I’m completely finished with school I’ll probably post a whole lot of MeMes and bullshit. My brain is broken mmmmyep.
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