Spring Detox

Day one of the detox, up at nine, figured out how to use my new juicer, and am now working on downing my lemon water. I keep telling myself it’s like drinking tea. Ask me if I really believe it? As soon as I get this down I have to wait thirty or so minutes before eating my daily fruit dose, which today will be an apple, then an hour after that I’ll have oatmeal [which I cannot drown in sugar or milk, yikes], and around noon I’ll have 1-3 cups of raw veggies [because steamed makes me gag a lil bit]. For dinner I’m broiling chicken breast and having another 1-3 cups of veggies. I think this is something I can reasonably handle just because there isn’t that much food involved, and it’s spread out. I’m so bad about eating in the morning because I always feel sick after I do.

Anyway, I decided to this Spring Detox for a very different reason than that of my mother. I could care less about the supposed 14 pounds I’m going to lose, because while it would help it won’t change much. For me it’s more about getting right in my life. For the past couple months I’ve been working on cleaning out all the people who don’t matter, the people not worth my time, and the people I have just out grown. It’s not about being hurtful or vindictive. It’s about growing to the point that I am not willing to love anyone more than I respect myself. I’m not saying that I don’t have rough patches, or that this is at all easy, it’s not. Some of the things I have had to face not only made me question my literal sanity but left me feeling more than a little bit ashamed of the sort of person I was for so long.

Also, the feelings of being a total hypocrite well up from time to time. Here I am, telling my kid sister and anyone else who vents their problems to me, how they should be living. I am giving them advice that at twenty-two I still find hard to follow, trying to explain the difference between thoughtless actions and loveless actions that I, myself, didn’t understand until a few weeks ago. I was working myself into a tizzy trying to fix them, to keep them from the places that I went when I was that age. I was making myself sick, keeping myself up at night and playing Mommy when I didn’t have to. It was just one more way to shift focus from myself to someone else so I didn’t have to deal with me- because, like the rest of you have at one time or another, I get sick of being with me too. I’m very hard to get along with, and I never seem to want to do what the rest of me does.

Anyway, this detox is a good thing. My life was getting too murky to muddle through anymore. I have finally accepted that at least for the next year this place is home. I had had my heart set on going to Ashland in the fall, but all that was hinging upon surgery, which insurance and money being what it is, it’s going to take longer than that to get it done.... and I know it might sound silly, but I don’t want to go back to school looking and feeling the way I do. I want Southern to be a part of my new life, not lumped with the old one. All of that leads into the fact that... did any of you know that I still haven’t even unpacked my room yet? I was being stubborn. However, if we’re going to be here for at least another year I might as well bite the bullet and try to turn it into a home.

In other exciting news, if everything goes according to plan, the Momster and I are going to look at cars next weekend. We’ll camp out at Charity’s and hit a couple of used car places. I am excited. Our little Corsica has served us well but it is time to send her back to the big car lot in the sky. She’s tired and frankly being in her after dark freaks me the fuck out. Like last night when we were driving back from an unexpected trip to Klamath and it was snow-raining, and one of our headlights went out. That was super-happy-fun-times. I just closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep.

Yesterday was fun though. We spent most of Saturday watching TV, and sleeping, I think Mom is getting a Spring Flu or something. Then yesterday we decided we would go out for our “last meal”, I wanted Mexican and the place in Lakeview is nice. So we get there about noon and the place is pack so we were just going to go to the Dinner Bell, but it was closed. So as we‘re trying to figure out where it is we want to eat, I suggest going and kidnapping the Auntie Sue and going to Klamath. Really I just didn’t want to go back home yet. It was like once I was out of the house I was not about to turn around after just an hour. Besides every time we go, I get to get Starbucks, and hit up Boarders and Payless Shoes.

We couldn’t get ahold of Auntie Sue, and we didn’t go to Boarders, but I did get two new pairs of shoes - [Click] [Click]. They’re so cute and I love them. I am developing an addiction to shoes. I was laughing with Mom yesterday about the fact I buy shoes like I have some place to wear them. I have become one of those girls who packs four pairs of shoes for a two day trip. I think it might be a sickness, but I kind of like it.

Anyway, this has gone on for a page in Word so I should end it and go get my apple. Yum.
Extra luvs because I luvs you extra
-Sara

Work in progress Draft oo1.

That restless feeling is settling in my limbs
I’m finding it hard to breathe again
Watching and waiting
Anticipation runs through my veins
I don’t know how to be
Don’t know who it is you see-
when you’re staring straight back at me
Feeling saturates the air
Want and fear swirling in the atmosphere
I miss you
It hurts
I bleed
it works.
We’re supposed to be better than this-
Somehow
Supposed to live better than this
Know better than this now
Loving you,
It comes out all wrong
Battered me down-
Till the feeling was gone
Anger, fury pain,
Rage turns to apathy
As emotions drain
Restless lingers
Consumes
Triggers
Memories dance
Guilty Conscience screaming
Once last chance
I doubt
I drown
I’ve given it all up-
Once again,
Somehow