Meditations

In the last few days it has occurred to me that.. for the first time in a very long time I am not in love, or like, or longing. I am completely unattached without eyes or feelings or thought of anyone. It's a strange thing you know, to not be in love having jumped from bad relationship to bad relationship over the last several years. I mean I really can't think of a time since I was thirteen that I haven't been involved some how with someone, sometimes multiple "someones". Prior to all of that there was Ben. God I loved that boy, from the time I was in first grade until my eighth grade year, I was completely tore up over him. I thought someday we'd grow up and get married, we used to talk about me touring Europe after graduation, and meeting him on his mission. It never dawned on me that there would be inherent problems with the difference of faith, when I looked at Ben I saw everything I ever thought I wanted in a boy... of course then we got to High School and I found out was a low down dirty double crossing dog he was. That was a part blow, because up to that point he had been boy perfection. Of course, the feeling generally wasn't returned. I was his friend, we walked to our Mothers' classrooms everyday after school, shared a coke, talked, but he never saw anymore than that.

Sometimes I miss the things I used to believe about him. I miss thinking that someone was true and honest. I miss believing in the untouched sort of love. I think he's married now, probably has three kids. It was the same story with Jared, only, you know, Jared was an ass from the get go. Through the grapevine I've heard was a douche he actually is to his wife. That's one of those... thank God for unanswered prayers. There is no way I would rather be in a dead end marriage right now than where I am. Actually, that's what I tell myself when I feel these walls closing in. That is my manta, I could be married with screaming rugrats. I know that I am maternal by nature, but I've said it before and I'll say it again, there is too much damn crazy in my family to ever bring a child into that. Also, given the men that are attracted to me, it would be a whole other level of loser crazy to deal with. I have no desire to repeat my mother's mistakes.

Anyway, like I was saying, this is the first time really, in at least six years, that I haven't been emotionally connected to someone in that sense. I mean there isn't even that non-relationship element to deal with anymore. It's finally all out of my system, because I finally care more about my mental well being than his corny ass lies and lines. No he in particular of course, just in general, of all the he's and she's I've known in the not so distant past. Even Jess, who I thought I could have maybe had a thing for, it was fleeting. It isn't what I want or need right now. I know that all the times before it was more about filling the void, the fear of having to face myself alone. That doesn't mean I didn't love or care about the people I was with, there are some of them I know could never have hurt me so much if I didn't love them, but it was always easier to want myself when someone else wanted me- and the more someone's the better. Of course it was easier to pull off when I was the witty talented 16 year old screwing around with boys way too old to be good for her.

It's different now. I don't know if it's really that I'm old, or if it's just I've done so much damage to myself that I feel older than I am. For years I have thrown away the best I had on people who were not worthy, who didn't deserve one iota of the devotion I wasted on them. I am coming to grips with this more and more the more I talk to my sister and see myself in Steph [of the hidden Emo-nation]. The thing that's weird is that... I'm not bitter about it anymore. It's not like I'm sitting here thinking "I deserve so much more than I was given", its more like "Wow, why would anyone throw away the best of themselves of people like that?" These well adjusted thoughts throw me off balance in my crazy world. I think in a sense though Montana and Pix were right. Fate brought me out here for a reason, and that reason, simply put, is because when I had everything else going on it was too loud to hear these things.

For the last four years I have been running on empty, pushing myself over one hill after another. Life shouldn't be that hard. Life shouldn't be a daily struggle. Life shouldn't be about suffering, or sinning, or lowering myself to be "worthy". It's sick in a way, how much easier it is to just be sick. Why is that? Why do we let ourselves believe the devil we know has to be better than the one we don't? Why is misery the easy choice in this equation? For so long I've let the belief I had to be strong for everyone else overrule the fact I should have been being strong for myself. Why is it we want to hold everyone else up? How is it we come to believe fighting their demons is somehow more important than fighting out own? I can think of a very small, tried and true group of people that deserve that from me, but I was giving it away to everyone.

The answer comes to me in small ways, in little ideas as I wash clothes or cook dinner. When I'm laying in bed or reading a book. The truest thing I know, without a doubt, is that I have spent the majority of my life waiting for someone else to do what is best for me. I have waited for someone to love me enough to put what they want aside. I have scarified myself time and time again, thinking eventually someone would stop me, would love me enough to say "No, not this time". Which, really, when you think about it is completely stupid. I don't know where it comes from, sometimes I think it was something that was just born in me.

I believe that more and more when I look at my little sister. We were raised completely differently, in different parts of the world, sometimes it felt in completely different times.. and yet there is this thing that we share, that runs so deep in us I can't remember a time it wasn't there. I wonder sometimes if Dad ever sits back and really sees who we are, the lives we live and the part he did or didn't play in that. Then I realize I am giving him too much credit. He can't think like that, it goes against his hazy nature. If he were to think about it would mean admitting something was amiss.

Oblivion is almost harder to give up than self destruction.