Perhaps we should start with something happy? Lessee.... Oh, I got a B- in Math. I would have had an A, but surprise, surprise, the questions I missed on the final were the questions he didn't really go over. Whatever, a B is a B is a B. That means by this time next year I should be completely done with my AA, and a quarter done with my BA. I got A's in all the rest of my classes, which brought my GPA back up to a 3.5, which makes me happy because I was feeling like a real dummy after the whole Winter Term fiasco. With all of that out of the way, I should be able to start my Duel enrollment in the fall, and hammer out my actually curriculum program by Winter. I'll be doing the majority of my EOU stuff online, though there are a couple classes I'll take on campus, like the 311 with Gill, which is in depth study of Grammar and the "finer points" of writing I see as completely frivolous.
Speaking of Professor G, I don't exactly know how I feel about him. Our relationship has progressed to this strange level that I am not sure I'm completely comfortable with. It was one thing to be his favorite, it's another when he starts making Emily Dickinson cracks because I happen to be very Anti-Male this last term. While he does not know about the whole batting for both teams issue, it's a little awkward. He also would make... pointless comments about my attitude problem- which frankly I don't think I have. Yes, I am sarcastic, yes I am outspoken. I am also right most of the time and when I'm not, I'm willing to listen to the other side of it. I know this denotes his comfort level with me, and in a way it makes me feel good that he's so invested in who I become, but there are times that it feels like it's just one more person I will let down- which is not the way any Professor should make you feel. At least I don't think so. I dunno. His class this last quarter sucked. We did crappy books, and crappy assignments, and I really felt like he just wasn't present for the class, then again maybe that was just my perspective because I've read every single freaking book we had to do, and I read them when I was like 14. There was nothing challenging about being there. However, I am officially done and can now work more heavily on things that interest me.
Like moving my mother six hours away. That's right everyone, yea you know, the whole two people that read this shit, she got the job. I am scared shitless. I mean I knew she was going to get it, I knew when she came home and they had already called Kip for her reference that the job was hers. Not only is it hers, but it was a unanimous decision. So now, by the end of July/middle of August, I not only have to pack up this house and get it ready to go on the market, but I have to find another place to live, a roommate, help her set up house in Plush- including her classroom, and somewhere in there get another meeting in with A.L. to work on my EOU stuff. Right now I am taking things sort of slow because, deep down, I am really freaking out. Like the other day after Mom left to go work on her Masters program stuff, yea I cried for like two hours. Its not that I don't want her to go, its that everything is so overwhelming. Anyway, other than that, I haven't expressed much emotion about it. I try to be supportive because I know she needs this, I try to keep my panic at a low, and just try to get through each day as it comes. Note the word try on the last one.
Things in my life never seem to happen gradually. Has anyone else ever noticed that? Its like I plug along for awhile, everything is semi-right, mostly healthy, and then BAM everything is changing and I can't quite get my head around it. That is what this last month has sort of been like. I have so much to say, so many new thoughts, and yet I don't really want to share them. I have become increasingly aware of the death of my former "Emo-Sara-Cares-A-Lot" self, in small and large ways. I had not fully anticipated this drastic personality change, and yet I think I've been looking at it for the last six months. It's not really drastic at all then is it? I think the thing that is drastic is that I've fully let go of the notion that I care, because I don't. At this point in my life, in my experience, the only thing giving people the benefit of the doubt has gotten me is kicked in the ass. The only people that I have ever let totally close to me, let them see every side of the good bad and ugliness that is me, there is one who has unconditionally accepted that- and even she and I have our ups and downs.
I occurred to me the other night that I haven't been the same, really the same, since D. blatantly rejected me. I mean I had already started dealing with some issues after the whole Shaun debacle (notice how in my life events are called Fiascos and Debacles? Yea depressing thought, andway), I mean he and I are still close but I think that's when the shift from Emo-Sara started. Suddenly I was so scared of being drained dry that I would lash out first. I became that emotional vacuum because I couldn't live though another incident like Clare. I couldn't be someone elses whipping girl, though in a lot of ways I still took too much shit from too many people... but when D out and out rejected me, told me I was a bad person... that I was the reason she felt... whatever it was she was feeling... that last little piece of me died. That idea of "comfortably numb" set in, and unless it's anger or irritation I don't feel it anymore. I lock it away because right now anger and irritation are the only things that are safe to feel. They are the only things that won't completely destroy me. I don't do the mushy-girl friendships. I don't have deep heart to hearts. I am sarcastic and scathing, and frankly, I don't care. I have made it very clear to most people in my life that they speak to me at their own risk. If you want to poke a Black Bear and act like a bunch of Fucktards, that's your issue, I will respond accordingly.
On more than one occasion this attitude has made Bryan cry. When he tries to tell me it's my fault and I'm a bad person I laugh. I don't think this makes me a bad person, but I think.... the last time he threatened to kill himself and I offered to buy him a rope... that might make me a bad person. However, since he was blaming me for him wanting to commit suicide I figured I might as well have a literal hand in doing it- mostly because I knew he's too pussified to take his own life. I also told him, and several other people that if I wanted a pussy in my life I'd be dating a girl. He didn't think that was funny. I, however, am going to have a shirt made. I also want a bumpersticker that says "Did you just take a fucktard pill?"
I really have little tolerance for Drama related ranting, which is what Bryan does mostly. I mean all he ever does it try to tell me how I have so completely broken him. Which, I don't really understand because a] he's the one stalking me by phone, and b] he's the one who completely broke my heart when I was 16/17 and fucked me up so bad that I don't know if I'll ever have a normal relationship with anyone. I mean, I know that every relationship I've had has done that, but Bryan was right after Jason, in that period of time when I was so desperate for validation and someone to love me that I was willing to put up with anything- I mean anything. He was an adult, he was like 21, and he took advantage of that. I was still a little girl in more ways than one, despite everything that I had been through. He played off my need to be loved, to be needed, he used it for his own benefit. So... I don't really feel bad if I"ve "broken" him this go around. I look at it like I'm getting a bit of my own back finally. Twisted and fucked up logic though it may be, he's the one that continues to call and insists on telling me things about his life like I give two shits.
I think there are about four people that this logic doesn't carry over with. I still <3 Nate, and am actually quite worried about my Folk-Rock Luvr. He's been drinking a lot and then the other night had this whole drunken confession of just how low he's been lately. Its different than when Bryan tells me, with Nate... its not like he's trying to punish me. Its like I asked one question that triggered this lengthy two hour conversation about death and suffering and him not recording for months at a time. I have no answers, but I still love him.. not in like a romantic way, but in the way that we know and understand one another.
The other person that I am loving with my whole heart right now is Jay-Jay. We go through these moments, where everything works and we fit and I adore her. She doesn't balk at my bitch-tendencies, she thinks they're funny. She doesn't get offended when I'm snarky, doesn't cry when I say something needlessly mean- actually sometimes I think we try to out mean one another. It's lots of fun.
With most other people I don't say a whole hell of a lot of anything. I got tired of being talked down to because I'm only 21, or talked down to because I'm 21 and living at home, or in general, just being talked down to. See, there is a point when you just snap. It's also nearly impossible to listen to anyone who talks in net speak. I know that I say thinks like "I dunno" but I never, ever, do stupid shit like idk. "idkâ" is not a word people. And while I might engage in the occasional lol or lmao, I never add a "z" or "s" to either one- and most of the time I actually say "hehe". Net speak is just irritating to me. Which is the other reason I don't like talking to Bryan, at least online. He's not the brightest bulb in the box, which was cool when I was sixteen because we were at the same level, but now I'm older, I've grown up. I have adult interest, and he's an idiot. Seriously, it's painful sometimes because he still acts like he's seventeen.
Alas I've gotten off topic and forgotten what this all was about anyway, it's also gone on for nearly two full pages in Word (at size 10 font). I believe that means I need to end it and get back to work on cleaning out Grandma's closet. I don't know when Ill update again but not many of you read this anyway.
Much luv
--Sara
OH! PS. Check out these lush ladies: Regina Spektor, Jenny Owen Youngs, Chelsea Genzano, and the divine Bess Rogers
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment