Cigarette Cravings

I really want an effing cigarette. I am taking a much needed break from packing and being stuck in my own damn head, to listen to KT Tunstall and some Blue October. It's a strange mix, like pickles and ice cream, but this is without a doubt the yummier of the choices. I've been up since six and I am effing miserable. My allergy to dust is going crazy, I've started cleaning out the spare bedroom which should have actually been called "The place where we through shit we don't want to deal with" It's a very astute name don't you think? Yea, I do. The last week this craving for a bender and a Lucky has been gnawing at my nerves. Of course I don't drink anymore, for various reasons that I refuse to talk about with anyone including Jodie and my mother... who don't really want to know as it makes them worry anyway.

Anywho. I have spent the last four hours sifting through childhood crap,. boxes of toys, my stuffed animals, old diaries, love letters I never sent, burned cd's, keepsake boxes and the like... and it's made me very said. I found the letters I'd written S. and D. They sort of pull at my heartstrings really. I mean on the page are all of these beautiful thoughts, and beautiful ideas and hopes and dreams... and when I look at them I don't know that person anymore. It's very hard for me to match that image to the one I have of myself right now, in this moment. Right now I am irritable and bitchy, which I am sure I was then too, but now... it's hard for me to see past this dire need for a cigarette and the fact that I am too broke to even go buy one. I would settle for a latte but, yea, I spent my last five bucks on garbage bags and diet coke for Mom (which was really the better thing to do because now I won't have to strangle her).

The last couple weeks have been hard, really adjusting to the idea of this move, of getting the hell out of Dodge... only to end up in a smaller Dodge, with more cows than sheep and more sheep than people. Don't get me wrong, Plush is a pretty little town, but... I just.... even when I know its the right thing to do for myself.... it still is really hard to think about being even further away from the "world". I mean we're talking about a place that loses Cell service like twenty miles on either side of the town, never mind actually down in the little valley where we'll be living. I know this is Mom's idea of an adventure, and we've already had a couple getting there, but a part of me wants to run to the coffee house and chain myself to a chair... the closest place for a decent Latte in Plush is like an hour away- three if you want Starbucks, six if I want to have my best friend to go get it with. Thinking about it just makes me tired. I try to tell myself Kadie will come and visit, but I sort of have a feeling that really isn't an option... and now if Mom drops her master's program we won't have a reason to come back once a month.... which makes me very very very sad sad sad.

On the other hand, I see some positives to this as well. I will be closer to Aunt Suzy and while we don't always get along, when we do she's almost as much fun as Auntie Carol. It will also put me closer to Faith, Hope, and Grace, which will be nice. I mean I know that they were only so well behaved for me because I was like the new fun toy and with time that will wear off, but I really want to be a part of their lives. They're growing up so beautifully. I'll also only be a few hours... well... actually sort of like four or five, from my Cousin Charity. It's occured to me more and more that I really miss her. The two years she lived down here were such a blast, even if she and I don't always see eye to eye. I miss being able to just get in the car with her and go. Now, once we're there anyway, getting in the car and just going to see her will be nice. Jodie assures me I won't always be the scardy-cat driver I am now. I don't know if I believe her. I also get the run of the house, which might sound silly, but... I am so excited to get to decorate. The house is small, but it feels more "cozy" than small, more like home... like the home I grew up in than the place we have now does. Once we get the school thing straight, and I can stop worrying about it, then I think I will be able to get a little more excited about the move. I mean... I am sort of already excited, but not the way I could be, not the way I was when I thought about having my own little apartment and being on my own.

In reality, I know that being there won't be as bad as getting there- like most things in life. The journey to this place is paved with broken road and a lot of dreams I'm putting on hold, but being there... being there won't be that awful. Once we get past getting the house on the market, getting all our shit packed and unpacked and put in special places, once we do all that, then I really believe I could be happy there for a year, at least until after surgery. Once we cross that hurdle, once that first fifty pounds is off... I know that these recluse like feelings I am dealing with now will dissapate, if not vanish. I know its silly to be so obsessed with weight when my whole life my stance has been beauty is about the inner strength a woman has as opposed to her outter shell....

I'm a hypocrite. I'm ok with that.

I do have to share this little story, so then maybe everyone will understand why I am so stressed about this move. Not this last weekend, but the weekend before Mom and Jodes were cleaning out the rest of her stuff from her classroom here, they were just supposed to pack it up and take it to storage and then in two weeks, after payday, they were supposed to take it up to the teacherage in Plush. Well once they got the shit packed, and I mean packed, to the rafters, couldn't even use the review mirror it was packed so high, Jodie decide she doesn't want to unpack all this crap, put it in storage, just to pack it all up again in two weeks- which admittedly makes sense- so they will just drive up and back (12 hour trip) right then and there. However, instead of unpacking Mom's little Volvo and the two of them just taking the stuff in Jodie's van, they deiced to take both cars (it should be noted at this point that Mom's Volvo is as old as I am and while it might have been a super car at one time has a tendency to die when you're running off the bottom half the gastank).

This is the part of the story where I enter. I was... checking my email or something, maybe watching cartoons, I don't remember, anyway, they call and want to know if I want to ride with Jodie (because since it stranded us last time I refuse to set one chubby toe in that damn Volvo). As I had nothing better to do, and was really sort of bored, and roadtrips with Jodie are always amsuing, I agree to go. Getting out of town was interesting, to say the least, we spent twenty minutes in the parkinglot of what used to be Jackson's and is now Shell, trying to ge tgas and goodies, and just a bunch of shit. Then we have to stop in Vale- which seriously is like twenty minutes from where we live, so Mom can try to call Aunt Sue and get another Diet Coke (I keep telling her it doesn't matter if they're ''Diet" if you drink twelve a day). Anyway we're finally on our way the the first quarter of the trip passes without much incident. Jodie and I talk, and I get the lecture about needing to take care of myself and other things she never says in front of my mom, but I know comes from a place of loving concern for me. She also told me I need to take it easy on Mother dear because she's as stressed as I am. I take it all with a pinch of salt because Jodie has a way of saying something in a way that can be misconstrued as mean, when really she's just blunt.

Anyway, we're about fifteen miles out of Juntera which is a little pin dot on a map that has a motel, diner, and some farm land, and we're going up this big hill- which I had never actually concidered to be a big hill before this trip. By this point Jodie has gone around Mom because she was going so slow and Jodie has trouble keeping it under 70, and was having a hard time holding it at 60. We get to the top of the hill and pull off to wait for Mom to catch up. About twenty minutes goes by, ten or fifteen cars go past, and it dawns on us Mom is probably stranded somewhere down the hill. SO we flip a bitch and head back down to see where she is and low and behold she's sitting on the side of the road, drumming her fingers on the wheel. We pull over (keep in mind we're talking about a winding hill road here, the pulls off are tiny), get out and the first thing my sweet school marm mother says is "How many ways can you say FUCK". I tired not to laugh, but, well, it was hard. So they decide we will sit and see if, after it had cooled down a litte, the car would start. I pick up my book at this point figuring we're going to call someone to tow her to Burns because it was closer than Vale or home. That would be the logical thing to do right? I mean it would make the most sense, or at the very least we swap out some shit, from the van to make room for Mom and then come back for the car after we dropped everything off at Plush....

Logical things rarely happen when you're with my mother and Jodie. Sometimes I wonder if they have a functioning logical thought between them when they are together- don't get me wrong, I love this about them, but not when my ulcer is already acting up because the only thing I'd eaten was actually a bottle of Starbucks and a handful of Sunflower seeds. Anyway, this is the point where logic shuts down and Jodie decided we will just push Mom's car up the hill the rest of the way, of course it's like 90 degrees outside so physically doing this is impossible unless she wants my fat ass to die of heat stroke or a heart attack. It's this point when she turns the a/c off in her van and navigates her bumper gently in the back of Mom's and begins to nudge her up the hill. Talk about amusing. If you've never watched one semi-high-strung-slightly-foul-mouthed teacher push another up a hill using her car, I highly recommend not doing so when you're in the car with them. Watch from the side of the road, or a passing vehicle. I remember a lot of "What the FUCK is your mother doing Sara-belle?" of course my only answer was "I don't know Jodie."- Of course by this point I am choking on my laughter, trying not to cry because I am dead sure they're going to run us off the damn road with this stunt.

We get to the top of the hill, without, by some stroke of luck, not killing each other or going off the road. Mom coasts down, and for a little while things are ok. However, low an behold there are several more big hills we have to get over to get to Burns, (where I assume they will park the car, switch some stuff, and come back for it later), so we have to repeat this "Jodie pushing Mom uphill" thing several more times. I had never actually noticed how hilly that area was before this little trip. My nerves were shot by the time we finally got to Burns, we make it to the Shell station there, I have to pee so bad I'm nearly dancing from the parking lot while Mom and Jodie are standing by the pumps laughing their asses off. I try to convince them the problem is we're running on the bottom half of the tank and that it is a long ass way from Burns to Lakeview and they need to get a gas can so maybe we don't have to push Mom up anymore hills (of course they don't listen). So we get crappy McDonalds and head off again.

By this time the part of the trip that should have taken about four hours all together is at six and a half- which is how long the whole first leg of the thing should have taken the way Jodie drives. Now, for the most part I love long car trips, looking at the landscape, reading, daydreaming, whatever, I don't mind it, and I know the thing everyone keeps saying when I say I'm moving to Oregon is "I hear it's pretty", yea, well, shut the fuck up. The coast is pretty, the part of the state we're in is High Desert and just nasty. It's not pretty. It's not green. It is dry, and hot, and uncomfortable. Its not even like Arizona with it's painted desert, its just.. scraggy trees and sagebrush. I will take pictures and show you. Anyway, for the most part from Burns to about the Christmas Valley turn off we do alright. Then we get to the rest station just a few miles up from that, Jodie has to pee so we turn off and I knew then it was a mistake and Mom should have kept going- but again no one listens to me. When we pull up there is this gentle slope that goes on for, what now anyway, seems like miles and miles and miles. Mom has to turn around and get a RUNNING START to get up this thing, and eventually Jodie ends up behind her pushing again. By this point I just close my eyes and try not to laugh or cry because I am exhausted and want to leave this piece of shit car by the side of the road.

We make it to Lakeview, pull into the little gas station there, Mom checks her oil and can't even get a read on the dipstick. At this point I am just done. I get my VitaminWater, and get back in the van to read my book. I am hot and tired and ready to be home. We've been in the car by this point about eight hours. We get to Plush and Mom's car makes it without us having to push her again, we unload everything that takes about another hour and a half after we show Jodie around the house and run into one of her new student's parents- who really thought I looked young enough to still be in High School. I think it might have been the Mickey Mouse Bun pigtails I had going on, but I was just thankful they didn't think I was old enough to be her sister. That's happened before, which is really disheartening because Mom doesn't look that young. I mean she doesn't look 52, but she doesn't look young enough to be my sister either. Anyway, we unpack we leave the Volvo because there is no way we're doing that shit again in the dark, pile into the Van and head back the way we came.

We get to about two miles outside of Burns and Jodie realizes that we need gas. Now Burns is not like Ontario, or even Payette where you have 24 hour gas stations every few miles. There is ONE freaking place open, Thank God, and then Jodie has to go inside to sign for the gas because she's used her credit card so many times. Actually she'd used it at that very place a few hours earlier when we'd stopped to get Gas the first time. Then we back peddle to this diner called the Apple Peddler, which while the food was alright, the service was shit and it wasn't worth the almost thirty bucks we ended up paying. This whole time Mom and Jodie are laughing, because since leaving Plush we've been attacked by a low flying Owl, nearly hit three million fucking Jack Rabbits, and we think a Possum- or something equally rodent-like. We leave, and Mom and Jodie joke the rest of the way home, and I try to stay awake in case we die.

It was like after three before we got back. I seriously just fell onto the couch. I didn't even bother changing. Then the next day the alternator in the Corsica went out. SO for over a week now we've been without a car, and without money to fix the Corsica because moving is freaking expensive. We spent nearly $300 in gas alone on this little excursion.....
And now that this entry has gone on for like five pages in Word, I am going to end it.
-Peace, Love, and Chicken Grease
--Sara