Ramble Ramble

I feel like I am dying. Good Lord. I've only really been back in the Valley about a week and already my allergies are threatening to do me in, My eyes are puffy and my nose is all sniff-a-ly. Nothing really helps to combat this so I've taken to lying in bed and bemoaning my fate. Surprisingly while we were in Plush my allergies vanished in favor of nasty heat related headaches. I don't know if you know this, but fat girls don't do well in triple digit heat. We sort of wilt. It was equally hard to feel that way while babysitting my cousin's kids. Don't get me wrong, I love the rugrats to bits, but when it's a hundred degrees outside cuddling is the last thing on my mind. I was so miserable the last two days we were there, if Johnny Depp had wanted me to snuggle him I'd have told him to go jump in the river. However, you can't say that to a four year old, they're a bit more sensitive. Which would explain why the hell I ended up taking a nap in the middle of the day with two sweaty girls and not having any fun at all.

I will say this though, the whole trip was worth it to be there for my cousin Harmony's birthday, not because I love her (though I do), but because she went to the doctor that day and he told her, my perfectly beautiful-always-better-than-me cousin that she was "just a hair shy" of obese. This might sound very vindictive of me, but I've lived in the shadow of this woman most of my life. She was beautiful, and talented, and smart, and just all of these things that even when I was a little girl I never felt like I would be. Now it should be noted that she is't really a hair shy of obese. She isn't skinny, and she probably isn't even the weight she'd like to be, but she's had three kids and is thirty-one. She's nearly six feet tall and half her weight is in her hair- but it was nice to see that even Perfect Harmony is fallible.

Really it was never just Harmony whose shadow I lived in, I've always felt small compared to my Aunt Sue's kids. Rocky, even when he was a kid, was sort of that brooding hot-boy and a baseball star. Charity was, while short and stumpy with slightly awkward hair, also frighteningly brilliant, she's one of those people who never had to put any effort into anything she did for it to come out flawlessly. Then there was Riley, who when we were growing up was one of my best friends. He was the little redheaded child and only a few months older so we were raised practically like brother and sister the first four years of our lives. I was the dramatic one, everything was always so big and over the top, Auntie Sue swore that I was born for Broadway. He was the slightly sullen sensitive one, but of course that couldn't last living with Rocky. He was always smart though too, he read first, got better grades, was exceedingly popular, quarterback of the football team, class president and now he's finished his AA before I have and is marrying his high school sweetheart in August.

I know, now that we're all adults, that things like that shouldn't bother me, I know that I had my own struggles to face and deal with and my own path to follow. I know all of that, but sometimes it's really hard to hold onto the idea that I am just as good as they are. It's quite frustrating to know that he got his AA before I finished mine simply because he started a term after I did- even though he started in the term I had to take off to take care of Mom after her hysterectomy. I just... I don't know.. I feel like they're all lovely and grownup and I'm still trying to find my way. I can't ever say, even when I was engaged, that I've seriously thought about settling down and getting married. I mean, sure Ken and I said we were getting married, and if the relationship had lasted I might have gotten past the fear of "how the hell do we manage this?", but it was never serious. We couldn't even agree on whether or not it would have just been better to elope.. or rather I wanted to elope and he wanted a big wedding with both of our families and place settings and five groomsmen. At that point in my life I didn't think I had five girls I wanted for Bridesmaids. Actually, at this point I'm not sure I do, and there was all the problem of who to invite from my family- as my Dad's side is about as hillbilly as you can get and his family is European.

Honesty, at this point in my life, I can't see getting married anyway. We've just turned twenty-one. He's been with one girl his whole life, and... I just don't get it. I know that we were raised very differently, other than the fact that I was raised just by my mom and Gran, he was raised in the church and I was raised to think for myself- mostly. He came from a big family, I was an only child... but I just don't understand how anyone can be happy with.... that life. I mean I know somewhere deep down I probably want a family and kids, but right now I know I am way too screwed up to be in a healthy committed relationship.

Actually I had an argument with Christy about that the other night. She says I'm being neigitive about myself again. I, personally, don't see it that way. I think I'm being a realist. Right now I am fucked in the head, I have all of this old issues from Bryan and Clare and Shaun, not to mention what my family has put me through, and my own psychosis about who and what I am. I could never function in a relationship. I could never... be secure if what I have because I'd spend most of my time thinking I didn't deserve it. Until I get my head on right pursuing relationships is so pointless. I would end up hurting someone or being hurt again and right now... is just not the time for it. I mean there is someone I'm kind of interested in, ok really interested in- but he's been a close friend for a really long time and our lives are just on different wavelengths now. I'm packing up my life and moving six hours away for goodness sake. Then there is the whole issue of whether or not he's into me and if he is then there must be something wrong with him because we've pretty much determined only psychos ever find me attractive...

You know I started this as a little update in which I would mention the fact Kadie and I are going to the movies this afternoon, but I've ended up on a whole other tangent. I get side tracked very easily. Anyway, I should finish doing my hair and finding clothes that look cute- since Kadie always looks cute and I feel like I have to try and at least seem like I can keep up. Erf. Anyway. I'm done rambling now.