Evil Girl Thoughts

It's crazy how the past comes back to us. Out of nowhere people you never thought you would hear about again, people that haven't been in your life for years, can just... show up. I've had one of those encounters, sort of, just tonight. I really never thought I would hear this person's name again, ever, without groaning and hiding my face with a laugh. Who is the mystery being you might be wondering? The total love of my life from the time I was 12 until I was 15. See, when I was a kid, I used to spend summer and breaks with my Dad, and I had this whole network of friends there, one of whom happened to be a boy named Jared. Now, we never dated, we never... were anything, and he actually knew me just as I was heading into what I like to call the "Dark Ages" that lasted from about the time I was 13 until tonight. No, really, the crazy shit with self-mutilation and all that stopped when I was eighteen or nineteen, but you know what I mean. I was like way... off my rocker for awhile there- and still lose my grip sometimes.

Anyway, I met Jared the first summer I stayed with my Dad, and I fell completely in love with him. I couldn't even tell you what it was, I mean it went so... over my head at the time. I couldn't get how I could just want to lay there (meaning the front yard under this giant pine tree) and just look at him. He was tall and lanky with blonde hair and blue eyes. He was a runner and played soccer... and absolutely amazing in everyway- or so I thought for about four years of my life. Anyway, first he dated my friend Tammy, but she broke up with him after like a month. I was there for him, of course. I was the person he came to when she did it, I was the one he expected to talk sense into her even though I had already completely fallen for her. The summer passed without much more incident. I went home and around Christmas when I was getting ready to go back, he started dating my other best friend, who really was my best friend, who I loved to pieces. I was devastated. I put on a happy face of course, I forced myself to agree that she hadn't broken any code by dating him. If I had been there year round, if I had had a shot with him, then she would have (this reasoning didn't hold up when she started dating Shaun two summers later. That was just fucked up). Anyway, they're together for over a year, it was the summer right after the whole Jason fiasco, I was pretty much a wreck. I go back, they've broken up and she's dating someone else- it should be noted that for that year they were together I stood by both of them even when it killed me), and I'm thinking now would be the poifect time to make a move on Jared.

That really didn't go over well. I was out of my mind over everything that had happened with Jason. We spent all the time together in the world, but I was just crazy. I was starving myself and then binging. I had my body fucked up, and my mind was in shoddy shape too. The last time I saw him was the last Fourth I spent with my Dad. We basically told one another to take a flying leap. I went home and went down a very dangerous path that I don't feel the need to rehash. I wouldn't say I forgot about him, I still had pictures of him up in my Dorm room tow years ago. I thought about him sometimes but... I just... it was more in the sense of beating myself up over it you know?

Anyway, I had all but put him out of my mind when today i found the Journal he had given me. I don't think any gift ever meant so much- including the engagement ring I would get later, I don't think anything ever meant so much until Shaun bought me my Marilyn Monroe bag. It was something that... just touched me because when he saw it he thought of me. Anyway, in it are all of these poems and just dumb shit, but it got me to thinking about him. This in and of itself is not important. The thing that is important is that he's moved back to the old block, he's living a few houses down from my Dad now, and the other night he was talking to my little sister about me, asking how I'd been and all of that. It's weird you know, because my resounding thought is when I go back, I want to rub his face in everything I am. After surgery, when I lose the weight, when I am beautiful and can feel secure in my own skin... I want to show off what he could have had- compared to the wife and two kids he has now.

I think that might make me a bad person.

But, I don't really care.

Heh.