Ouch

There is something going on with me right now. I don't know what the problem is, I don't know what my issue is, but I know that it is growing out of control. At the moment I feel small and scared... I am back to the point that it's a physical pain. Thinking.... hurts. Thinking about anything hurts, but most of all thinking about myself hurts. We all know I go through phases, periods of time where I am seemingly alright, that the demons that paluge me stay still for a little while. I don't know just what has stirred them up at the moment. I know its a combination of things, the move, missing people, thinking about my life without people once this move happens, thinking about getting even further away from that little girl who used to smile so sweetly in her tutu and cardboard crown....

Om the flip side, I have... been confronted with myself this week. Or perhaps I should say, I have been confronted with my lack of self this past week. It has hit me like a wave that I don't know myself anymore. I don't... connect with this person I am currently being. The things I do and say are not... me. Well, of course they are, but they're not. I have come to this point where I am very aware I wake up angry every single day. I wake up hating the sun, just because its shinning. I wake up hating everyone who could possibly face eight AM with a smile. This is not the pssive argressive hate of former weeks, months, and years. This is a genuine, loath the fact they are breathing sort of hate.

I almost walked in front of a car the other day- not because I want to die, or I am temping fate. I was honestly so caught up in my own brain, in my own thought process... I didn't hear it coming.

It's funny you know, I was thinking about the wedding. I was thinking about the wedding and it's funny because I didn't think that much about it when I thought I was getting married. I keep thinking... it wasn't supposed to be this way, my life, this person that I am... there was another plan. I've been going down this road so long, thinking I knew, thinking I had it all under control, thinking I knew exactly where the fuck I was going... but I didn't. I never have. It was all so pointless, the last two years... it seems like such a waste..... and the resounding thought that breaks my heart is that if I knew myself a little better then it might not have happened.

That is really the worst thing we do to ourselves, denying who we are because we're scared. I don't know when, but I've slowly pulled completely into myself. I think the only people I'm really being honest with at the moment are Nate and Patti (because it's quite useless to lie to them. They seem to know when I'm holding back). The reason for this change, other than that everyone is quite busy with their own lives, is that... since the whole thing with D. I've HAD to pull into myself. I never knew how it was going to be with him. I never knew when what I would say would piss him off or make him pull away because he couldn't deal. I never knew when I could really count on him... and that is the moment that it hits me, the moment I have that thought, that I never really knew when I could count on him. The answer has been so simple all the time. The answer simply is... I never could. Even Jay would give some warning. I mean things weren't always great with us I can totally admit that, she and I both have vile tempers when we want to, but we never just out of the blue turned on eachother. It was something that built slowly over time, it was something we both could probably see a mile a way and just never knew how to stop. But she never once treated me like I was shit on her shoe when I was being emotionally honest and trying to work through something. I think maybe thats why I miss her so much right now. I know she's busy and her life is crazy, but she is probably the only person in the world who doesn't bat an eye when I am a complete cunt to her. Actually, I think she likes my mean streak. It removes me just a little bit further from Wounded-Emo-Sara-Cares-A-Lot.

Anyway, out and out rejection isn't something one can come through without a few more battle scars. While I've had my fair share, I thought I had taken extra messures to ensure it wasn't something that could just happen like it did with D... but the kid ripped my heart out, twice actually, and shat in the hole... they were always such stupid fights, centered mainly around him not hearing what I really had to say....


I can't help feeling today was a bit of a bust. Yes, I got to go to Lunch with my Darling little sister, and managed to spent twenty dollars I really can't afford to on earrings and a couple shirts from Old Navy, but then Jodie's van, her brand new van mind you, decided that it didn't want to work anymore. SO Joe (her dish-licious boyfriend) had to come and pick us all up so Kadie didn't get to meet Katie and I still need to CALL Kadie to tell her why. If that wasn't annoying enough, when we ran my little sister back over to her Grandmother's (who is not my grandmother, but has always treated me like I was one of her own) I was coming out of the house, and trying to get back to Joe, Jodie, and Mom, while not bursting into tears because Maxine always cries when I leave, especially after short visits- anyay, I was coming out of the house and I cutting behind her car, not seeing that the overhang of her carport was much lower than the top of my pretty little head.

Lets just say that it was a moment worthy of every dumbass home video show I've ever seen. I all but fell on my ass and was trying not to cry because Maxine and Katie are standing there freaking out, worried I've taken my head clean off, poor Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry, and Joe didn't know if it was ok to even laugh even if I was laughing (we're really not friends so much as... Jodie is my friend and he is her boyfriend so we're in eachother's lives but only in passing). My damn head hurt so much I could hardly see, so I took a vicodin and that was stupid because I hadn't really eaten so now, I am sitting here thinking that my chicken pasta bowl from Applebee's might revist me. And. I have a pointy head now.

Again. I know I am in a pissy mood just because I am in a pissy mood... and it doesn't help that my head hurts and I can't sleep. MERG